Jehovah's Witnesses Straight Talk - Forum/Blog

Tyler Buchanan
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Updated July 28, 2019

Consultant for fancy restaurants, whisk(e)y aficionado

Why is a new supply never good enough as the old one for a narcissist?

I have a theory about this… The narc is constantly moving on to greener pastures because there is a certain aspect of honesty/truthfulness to their behaviors. Crazy, I know, but stay with me on this one.

In order to understand my suggestion, it’s useful to hold in one’s head that in a certain way a Narc seeking attention is a little like heroin addicts seeking out more drug - their primary drive is to acquire the drug. Everything - and I do mean EVERYTHING - is subjugated in importance to the addict scoring more of the drug; personal relationships are squandered, theft is common, poor choices for social associates are made - all as a means to obtaining or maintaining supplies of the drug.

By way of this analogy, I don’t think that the point is that the new supply isn’t as good as the old one; it’s that the narc is on a fool’s errand. NO ONE is ever good enough for a narcissist because they live in a dream world, one in which the new supply is (at least initially) a far-shinier toy than the old supply. The new toy(s) seem shinier because the narc’s initial perspectives are unreasonably and impulsively favorable - the new targets are new, exciting, and may seem to address the narc’s current needs better than the old supply does/did.

However, as the relationship develops and reality sets in - over days, months, or years - the narc comes to realize that their initial perspectives were overstated/unrealistic/wrong - the target is in actually not as ‘good’ as they initially thought, or the narc’s needs have shifted, or perhaps there might be other, shinier toys to play with.

In my opinion/experience, upon initial meetings and early experiences, the narc really does actually believe their perceptions that the target has a significantly higher social and emotional value than other targets, that the target is perfect, and that the narc therefore really wants to be with them - this is the “love bombing” stage, where the narc’s short-sightedness/determination/sickness energizes them, and creates strong bonds with the target.

As time progresses, however, things change. It’s possible that the narc begins to see faults in their target (the target turns out to be human, and/or the metaphorical ‘honeymoon’ phase of the relationship wanes). It’s also possible that the target becomes unable or unwilling to keep on providing the type of continually-increasing narcissistic energy that the narc is so desperate for. Or possibly, some combination of these situations develops over time.

Regardless of the genesis, the bottom line is that the value that the target offers to the narcissist declines in perceived value. As this happens, the narc will slowly begin to back away from target #1 and seek out new sources. This is the discard phase. It may start with seeking emotional intimacy with friends and acquaintances for small issues, but this seeking out will expand until eventually the narc will simply discard the present supply and move on to a new supply.

Note that “discarding the present supply” may or may not actually include breaking up with them. The narc may well string them along (utilizing less and less time/energy/emotions) until such time as the present supply either walks away, or the new supply appears to satisfy the needs that the narc has.

It’s a theory, your experiences may vary…

EDIT 5/24/2019 hey just a thought - if I hadn’t been so enthusiastic about finding (what I perceived to be) my perfect match, and so expressive in my commitment to our relationship - and to her - then perhaps she wouldn’t have hooked into me quite so hard. Perhaps my openness influenced the outcome of my relationship - in the wrong way. Perhaps I welcomed this vampire into my house, and so I should own my shit too….

Perhaps I sought out my own abuser.

I’m not sure…. I’m not sure.

Gaaaah! The gaslighting never ends!