Jehovah's Witnesses Straight Talk - Forum/Blog

Profile photo for Adelia Benitez
Adelia Benitez
·
April 14
Program Director

What are some narcissistic behaviours that are not as obvious as others?

One of the least obvious behaviors is a warning sign that has less to do with the narcissist, and more to do with the victim’s state of mind. The state of mind I speak of is unrelenting confusion.

When you’re in a healthy relationship with a non-disordered person…even if you’re in a dysfunctional relationship with a non-disordered person…you’ll never be confused.

You always know where you stand in the relationship. You may not like where you stand, but you know. When your partner tells you something, it seems sincere and true. You might not like what they told you, but their message is clear.

Even if your partner is moody, their behavior is relatively fixed and predictable. You might not always like how they’re behaving. But there’s nothing mysterious or perplexing about their behavior.

Feelings change. But when your partner tells you they love and care about you, you have no doubt that they really mean what they say, at the time they say it.

A relationship with a narcissist entails being in a constant state of confusion from beginning to end.

When they’re love-bombing you, their extravagant expressions of love and devotion feel awesome. But no one has ever treated you this way- not by a long shot- so the intensity is overwhelming, and somewhat confusing.

When the narcissist stops idealizing you and grows colder, you’re perplexed. They’re still affirming their love for you with words, but there’s a subtle shift in their behavior. After that, you’re never quite sure where you stand with the narcissist. Confusion.

The narcissist’s behavior slowly becomes inconsistent and unpredictable. One day they’re fawning over you, the next day they’re cold and distant. Some days they can’t get enough of you, other days they seem repulsed by your presence. You’re constantly on a rollercoaster of emotions. Confusion.

As they become more devaluing, you try to figure out what’s wrong. Is it something you did? Is it something you said? Are they just stressed out from work? Are they seeing someone else? Why has the dynamic of the relationship changed so much? Confusion.

You begin to doubt the sincerity of their words. You have no proof they’re being insincere. But their affect and behavior towards you doesn’t seem to match the words coming out of their mouth. Confusion.

Now you start trying to interpret every word they say, every action they take. Your mind obsessively replays every interaction you have with the narcissist in micro detail, looking for hidden messages and double meanings. Scanning your mind to find a crumb of insight into what might really be going on in the narcissist’s head. Confusion.

At this point you’re a basket case. You don’t consciously realize it yet, but you’re nearing emotional exhaustion. Your emotions are frayed due to the amount of emotional energy you expend, trying to understand the narcissist. You’re hopelessly devoted to them, but you don’t feel secure in the relationship. Something feels off but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Confusion.

You find yourself neurotically searching the internet, looking for answers that explain the narcissist’s behavior. You find yourself googling: “what does it mean when my partner does this?”…”if your partner does XYZ does it mean he’s cheating?” Confusion.

The narcissist abruptly discards you with no explanation, no good bye. Or they’ve pushed you to the breaking point, and you have to escape to preserve your mental sanity. Either way, this is usually when all their secrets come spilling out. Suddenly it’s all starting to make sense.

You’re overtaken by panic and terror when you realize the narcissist was never who you thought he was. All the lies. Lies by omission. Lies by evasion. Misleading lies. Unnecessary lies. Gaslighting lies. Minimizing lies. Now it’s all making sense.

Your entire relationship was a lie, for you were never in a relationship with a person. You were in a relationship with a persona. Who- or what- you loved was an illusion that doesn’t even exist. It’s all too clear now.

Every narcissist is different, there are different types of narcissists, and the severity and breadth of each narcissist’s symptoms vary. What may be less obvious behaviors in one narcissist, may be completely absent in another. But the one thing that’s fairly uniform across narcissists, is how the narcissist makes the victim feel.

When survivors of narcissistic abuse describe their experiences, the one emotion virtually every survivor recollects is constant, and unending confusion. This confusion is caused by cognitive dissonance. Because somewhere deep down in all survivors, beyond our consciousness, our instincts always knew something was VERY wrong with this relationship. And that unshakable, unrepentant confusion, was our instinct trying to warn us we’re in danger.