Jehovah's Witnesses Straight Talk - Forum/Blog

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Donald Murray
·
Updated May 13, 2018
Military Analyst (2005–present)

How does a narcissist, that discarded you for a new supply, react when they see you in a new relationship?

This is a scenario where the reaction of a normal person and a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is strikingly different.

When a typical relationship ends, a normal person will mourn the loss of the relationship and eventually move on with his or her life after a period of adjustment. There may be some curiosity about how “the ex” is adjusting and the person’s self-importance in the relationship may be enhanced or diminished depending upon how fast the other party moves on. However, even with an inflated or bruised ego, after a reasonable length of time each party will adjust, reach closure and perhaps even be friendly towards each other in the future.

A breakup with a person who has NPD is much different. Emotional immaturity skews his or her concept of “love” and former partners are treated as objects or property. Closure, so important for normal people, is not even an afterthought for someone with NPD.

Have you ever witnessed a small child playing with a new toy? After the “new” wears off the toy is discarded for another toy. Once in a while the child may return to their old toy but it is quickly placed to the side again. However, when another child enters the playroom and begins playing with the old discarded toy the first child may move quickly to reclaim that toy as his or her own. That discarded toy might suddenly become the favorite again.

When you were discarded you were granted all of the “rights” of a discarded toy. You were a piece of property or a possession that was supposed to sit there in the toy box in case your former partner needed to be entertained in the future. Unilaterally deciding to remove yourself from the “toy box” and move on with your life will not be met with joy from your former partner. If you went through the typical “devalue and discard” phase your NPD partner likely placed all of the blame for the relationship’s failure upon you. A smear campaign probably took place as well. Again, a person with NPD is emotionally immature, and much like a small child never takes responsibility for spilled milk, the person with NPD never takes responsibility for sins in a relationship. All of these sins are placed upon your head. This is how they cope.

When you move on with your life you are no longer available to your former partner, you are mingling with normal people and you are endangering the success of the aforementioned smear campaign.

Remember, you are a discarded toy and another “child” is playing with you now. For your own mental well-being you should prepare for your former partner to do or say something to generate a reaction from you. Your former partner may try to lure you back with a display of faux love. Your former partner may try to “warn” your new love interest about your “bad” side as an extension of the smear campaign. Your former partner may even send you messages or photos to show you how well they are doing without you in an attempt to depress you and make you long for him or her again.

I stayed single for three years after my covert NPD wife divorced me, while she “secretly” moved her and our minor son to another state to co-habitate with her unemployed affair partner; her newest toy. Because of her failure to adhere to the visitation agreement I have to maintain a quiet level of visibility on her life.

When I finally felt well enough emotionally I ventured into the singles scene and dated one woman for a few months. My adult children are not well-connected with their mother for obvious reasons. Even though I had already been targeted by my ex-wife’s “faux” love attempts and smear campaign I still did not want her to know that I had moved on so I asked my adult kids to keep my private life from their mother.

Inevitably, one of them responded to an angry outburst from their mother with a quick mention that I had moved on. It was vindictive but understandable after all of the pain she has caused them.

How did my ex-wife respond? She changed her name on her social media site to give the impression that she had married her live-in boyfriend…but she hyphenated my last name with his last name instead of her maiden name. I have never seen anyone do that and I initially thought it was a joke and had a good laugh. My kids immediately reached out to find out if she had remarried but she refused to tell them anything. Finally after three months she told one of them that she had a “civil ceremony” but there is no record and they did not exchange rings. That behavior is akin to a three year old child who decides to proudly cut his own hair with a pair of scissors.

You should expect all of this nonsense and more but please do not let any of this stop you from living your life. From one recovering person to another recovering person, do not let your former partner dictate your happiness. If you feel strong enough to re-enter the dating scene please do so. Otherwise, consider counseling so you can get to a good place again (edit - as Cindy competently points out in the comment section below, please ensure that you seek a counselor who specializes in NPD and recovery from narcissistic abuse. Survivors of narcissistic abuse understand all too well that the concept of NPD is counterintuitive to the normal mind. A well-meaning professional without subject matter expertise in this area can actually cause harm during this vulnerable time in your life. After all, you would not ask your orthopedist to perform open heart surgery). You now know what a dysfunctional relationship looks like with an NPD partner and you can recognize the red flags. Go live your life and enjoy it with someone who deserves your time and love.