Jehovah's Witnesses Straight Talk - Forum/Blog

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Patty Hearst
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Updated March 2, 2019
Professor

Why would a covert narcissist reject (over and over) a former primary supply’s attempts to work out the relationship?

I am going to be direct, to the point, and brutally honest here because this question implies that you are going to end up irreparably broken.

A person who rejects your offer of reconciliation is a person who does not want to be with you. A “covert narcissist” who rejects your attempts to work out relationship problems is a person who is no longer interested in you. This so-called “covert narcissist” obviously does not love you. If you are describing yourself as “former primary supply,” then you have to understand that you were being used for whatever reasons. If you believe that this person is a “covert narcissist,” then you have to realize that this is the “final discard,” and he simply doesn’t want whatever it is that you have to offer. The “covert narcissist” who walks away for good after a series of break ups and reunions or even suddenly and out of the blue does so because there is either someone else more interesting, fun, and attractive, or, if this is not the case, the “primary supply” is no longer (if he or she ever really was) interesting, fun, and attractive.

This bald truth is very hard to accept, but it is what you have to know in order to stop “chasing” a man who does not want to be with you. It does not matter if this is a dating or marriage partner. When you reach out to someone with an offer of reconciliation and that offer is rejected and you reach out again only to be rejected once more, you are devaluing yourself. Chasing can be attractive or unattractive, depending on whether the person being chased is simply testing your level of interest, whether the person being chased is genuinely unsure of what decision to make where the relationship is concerned, or whether the person being chased is simply uninterested. If you have asked this person to reconcile more than once, and you have been rebuffed more than once or simply been given the run around, then it is time to stop making the effort to reconcile and time to do some serious self-reflection to better understand why you are subjecting yourself to this kind of humiliation.

If you believe this person is a “covert narcissist,” then you have to be honest with yourself about why you want to “work out the relationship.” A “covert narcissist,” according to the psychiatric literature, is someone you cannot trust because that person is the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. This is someone who is everything you want and desire—on the surface. Don’t be surprised if this person is laughing at you behind your back, complaining about how you won’t let go, gloating about the “obsessed” ex who can’t get over it, or some other variation on this theme. You are as addicted to this person as any drug that gives you a high. But the come down from this high will not be pleasant and will leave you feeling as though you fell from a skyscraper onto a concrete sidewalk. You need to go cold turkey, which will be extremely difficult and painful. However, that pain will pale in comparison to the pain you will feel if you continue to chase a “covert narcissist” who does not want to be caught.

UPDATE:

I just wanted to add a final comment in response to a very important comment someone left below. Respectfully, trying not to think of someone often doesn’t work. Everyone has a right to find his or her own method for dealing with a devastating break up, of course, but this poster has been “discarded” by someone who does not want to reconcile. She’s chasing this man, which is making the situation more painful, not less. She is also devaluing and humiliating herself by begging him to come back to her, which will only add to her pain when she looks back months or even years from now and thinks about how she reacted when her ex walked out. If you are addicted/habituated/obsessed/bonded/trauma-bonded to someone who is unloving toward you or whom you know is going to leave you or who has left you, then you need to start ruminating on all the mean, horrible, unfair, and hurtful things this person has ever done to you.

I suggest that the poster start feeling hatred, contempt, and disdain for this person and let those angry feelings build up to the point of overflowing. Despite the naysayers who may insist anger and angry feelings are “unhealthy,” negative feelings have an important place and function. The original poster NEEDS to shift from loving and desiring to judging and hating as part of the process of letting go. Once she starts doing that, then her EGO will stop her from doing anything that makes her appear weak and vulnerable even if her emotions are telling her to make contact and reconcile. Letting go is a process, and it takes time, but it has to start. She can forgive this man later, if she chooses, but she needs to engage her ego and her pride now and that really only happens by getting angry.