Jehovah's Witnesses Straight Talk - Forum/Blog

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Kia Blevins

EducatorAugust 26, 2019

Should we forgive a narcissist?
Let’s approach this from a little different angle.

Narcissism represents a very specific kind of abuse. It’s insidious and confusing. So when considering forgiveness, it’s difficult to parse out the many things and ways one should go about forgiving the abuse. If you find it beneficial to forgive, then addressing each facet of the abuse (gaslighting, betrayal, verbal attacks, physical attacks, manipulaton, deceit, etc) perpetrated on you is important I think. It may take a long, long time as you replay each confusing scenario in your mind. Which is why there is an obsession with narcissism. It’s a tangled mess of a problem.

Let’s just say you can forgive someone without making yourself vulnerable to their negative onslaught, i.e. forgive from a distance. I think it’s a do-able option. And necessary to healing.

But you still have a choice to forgive or not. The more hurtful choice, in my opinion, is to grow bitter. To hold on to the anger so long it morphs in to a poison in YOUR system and begins to kill you from the inside.

I propose one of the primary roots of narcissism is bitterness. A narcissist is bitterly angry with the way the world, or whatever, has treated them. And they never learned to deal with their frustration in healthy ways. They never accepted life or themselves, as it is; a mix of good and bad, imperfect.

As a “victim” of narcissistic abuse we can find ourselves spiraling in to a chronic state of bitterness, becoming like that which we hate. I see it when I observe people asking how they can “beat the narc at their own game.” It’s a dive in to the dark and the roots of bitterness have begun to take root.

Forgiveness means accepting life as it is. And others as they are. It doesn’t mean you don’t stand against injustice. It doesn’t mean you accept abuse. You separate yourself physically and emotionally from it. It means you maintain your equanimity in the face of it. It means you are mature enough to accept life in “whole” terms. It means you aren’t becoming someone like the narcissist who can’t accept life as a “whole object”. Be careful you don’t become like that which you hate. It’s a trap.

“Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.” Hebrews 12:15

Separate yourself from the abuse for your safety. But don’t let “the thief” steal your loving nature from you. Hide your heart and your mind. Guard it. And forgive from whatever distance you deem necessary. But forgive. For you, and for others who come in contact with you.

It will likely be a long and difficult journey, but you deserve the blessings forgiveness brings you. Keep your heart soft.