Jehovah's Witnesses Straight Talk - Forum/Blog

Les Pearson
August 31, 2020
Your story rings with many other voices. It is because modern society and social culture has sold us a pack of lies. From how we are supposed to date and screen, to how we should behave, to what to expect, even what a good or great relationship even is.

I ask if you notice the pattern in your story. You went immediately from frying pan to flame over several relationships. It would be easy to assume it is the result of just taking a sampling of the populace of men and 99.9% are just horrible. Trust me a lot of men are in the same boat and reciprocate the same feelings. It isn't a function of their being so many terrible people that good one's are so very rare. Great potential partners are literally everywhere. You aren't sorting for them. I speak from personal experience, I used to attract duesy's. The issue isn't the sad state of the world it is the sad state of ourselves, and that's a bitter pill to swallow.

We are sold on the Disney experience, and women are told to get it by being strong and playing hard to get. While everyone likes to be pursued and that is surely part of the fun of courtship and even a healthy aspect of an ongoing relationship, playing too many mind games, and having what the self would describe as “high standards” actually sets your filter to attract sociopaths and narcissists.

Many people push mannered ladies and gentlemen out of their lives because their mental filter is set to search for “The One” willing to go to some sort of romantic extreme to win them, or fulfill some lofty grand ideal. Narcissists love that game. It's easy for them to win initially. Of course they can't keep the ruse up, but who cares? they won, initially anyway.

How many people on the dating field have a 50 check point list about their requirement for a potential partner? I have seen wish lists that include height, hair color, eye color, income, pets, clothing style, music preference, the exact type of car they drive… ad nuaseum.

Standards and list are not bad of themselves. It is how they are made and utilized that makes them a help or a detriment. Make a list of the top 10 positive characteristics you most admire, and want in a partner. Take material goods, consumer items, and cultural style completely out of the equation. Look at that top 10 list and become that person. Make a bottom 10 list of the things you absolutely will not accept, and eradicate those behaviors in yourself. It's super simple. However, it is not easy. It requires brutal honesty with yourself. It requires letting go of ego, and facing deep inner issues you don't want to admit you have, especially to yourself. Those deep issues are the ones that actually shine like a beacon to all the sociopaths and narcissists you're attracting. You struggle to see them, but they aren't so well hidden as you think.

A professional counsellor or behavioral psychologist can be immense help. Later on a good dating coach can be very helpful. Vet them however. If they only tell you touchy feely things you like to hear they are more interested in your money than your growth. A good counsellor will tell you things you won't like, and likely will struggle to accept. They are there to help you see yourself. The good, the bad, and the ugly. The hardest person to know in life is yourself, and also the most important. Be the change you wish to see. Once you have yourself sorted out you actually become repellant to abusers, users, and flakes. Quality people will now swarm you like the narcissist and abuser once did.

I wish you peace and contentment on your journey