Jehovah's Witnesses Straight Talk - Forum/Blog

Debra Sutton
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Father was diagnosed ASPD life experience with NPD & ASPD July 10

Are narcissists generally affectionate people, or is it all an act?

I am sorry to disappoint you, those with narcissistic personality disorder are not affectionate people. Now they can show affection if they want something from you. And if it is going to benefit them. They are looking for a payoff. It is never about you and always about them. You cannot take it personally. Everything the narcissist does is for supply. And this is not an exaggeration. The narcissist needs fuel. He will do whatever he has to in order to obtain fuel or narcissistic supply. If hurting you supplies him then he is going to hurt you. A narcissist will hurt their own child to obtain fuel. You must know that when a person cannot put his child’s needs ahead of his own or feel love towards his own child. Then how is he going to love you. He cannot love anyone and this is why you must not take it personally or feel like something must be wrong with you.

Those with npd do not have empathy and they can be cold, calculating, and manipulative. They have no moral compass nor do the have a conscience. They can engage in immoral behavior and feel nothing because no conscience exist within them.

I cannot say it is all an act because when they first meet you they are infatuated with you. Infatuation is the closest the narcissist feels to love. They think you are the one.You are going to be different than all the others. You are going to be the one who provides that never ending supply or fuel. Fuel which never feels old or stale. When they see you are human and you have flaws you fall from the pedestal the narcissist placed you on. The devaluation begins.

Devaluation is not just at the end of the relationship. It is throughout the relationship. They push you away then pull you back. One minute they love you the next minute they hate you. They have a Dr.Jekyll Mr. Hyde personality. When the mean guy shows up you wait for the nice guy to return. They must devalue you. Because you have grown stale to them. Devaluing you creates the honey moon stage again. Devaluing you gives them more potent fuel. When you begin to feel stale to the narcissist it takes more and more abuse for him to get this quality fuel from you. Hurting you by devaluing you provides him with more potent fuel. No it is not about you. Eventually everyone fails him. No one can serve all the needs of the narcissist. Spouses are never the narcissist only source of supply. They can get supply most anywhere. It’s not only people who supply the narcissist. Buying things for themselves supplies them. A new vehicle will supply them. A smile from a stranger will supply them. Friends supply them. Sex with a stranger this is supplying them. They rarely attack, demean or devalue friends or lovers. They reserve the abuse for the wives and children. Others often believe the narcissist is a great guy.

These friends and lovers become the narcissist loyal followers. The narcissist will never get his own hands dirty and he has these friends and lovers in the palm of his hands. They are the ones who do the narcissist dirty work. The narcissist is loyal to no one yet he expects others to be loyal to him. The narcissist is a liar and a thief. He lies for no reason, he lies just for the sake of lying. He lies to make himself appear more than he is. He cheats in business. And he steals from his friends but they are unaware. The girl he has one the side believes his wife abuses him. She also believes they have separate bedrooms, and no longer have an intimate relationship. She believes she is the only woman he is sleeping with and that he loves her. He has other women, there are many others. He even engages in sex with strangers. All these people are sources of supply to the narcissist.

Why does the narcissist need supply so badly? He constantly needs supply to prop up the false self. The false self is all the narcissist has left. The real self is gone and he has no access to the real self. The real self was killed off in childhood along with empathy. The false self is all the narcissist has left. It is life or death to the narcissist keeping the false self propped up. It’s you or him. It’s dog eat dog. He needs constant validation. He cannot regulate his own self esteem. This supply helps him regulate his self esteem, and it keeps the false self in place.

The narcissist hates needing people and yet he does need them. He resents his significant other he resents her because he needs her. He cannot believe he is tied to such a pathetic loser. He is ready to get rid of this one. She is like all the others who have failed him. Now she has failed him. To the narcissist the ending of the marriage is her fault. She is not who he believed she was. Beaten down by the abuse this spouse is no longer a viable source of narcissistic supply. If she were to leave him before he’s found a replacement. He would beg and plead for her to come back. He will only discard her once he has a better source in place. This new source of supply will walk in the door as soon as his spouse walks out. He replaces her overnight. This devoted wife spent 25 years with him. She did everything for him. He did not love her. When you love someone you cannot replace them with another person overnight. This was not love on the part of the narcissist. He has a new source of supply. She is new and shiny and the narcissist has never been in love, until he met her. She is the one, his soul mate. They will spend eternity together. This one is the love of his life. The truth is the narcissist says this to every woman he starts a relationship with. In the end he showed his wife she meant nothing to him. This new girl will have to find out on her own.

Devaluation can last for years. It can go one for 20, 30, 40, 50 years. Some of these women have stayed too long. Leaving is no longer an option for them. The are too trauma bonded. And some just try to co-exist at this point they have their own bedroom, have emotionally detached from the narcissist, they show no reaction whatsoever to him. They live their own lives as best as they can. They speak to the narcissist only when spoken to and give yes or no answers. These women have health problems and getting a divorce would mean they would lose their insurance. We cannot be judgmental about people who stay in these relationships.

If it was the wife who got sick and tired of the abuse and left him. He would be begging her and pleading with her to come home. He would be making promises to change. A promise he has no intention of keeping. He is telling her what he knows she needs to hear to come back. If she does go back he will abuse her even worse than before. He will punish her for daring to leave him. Then he will discard her again.

Hell No! narcissist are not affectionate. They are manipulators, cheaters, liars, thieves, abusers of women and children, gas-lighters, lovers of themselves, stonewallers, hypocrites, calculating, dishing out silent treatments, they disappear, you never know where they are or what they are doing, they are a walking contradiction, they even contradict themselves, they say one thing and do another, they suck the life out of you and when they see no life left in you they move on to the next person, they take everything from you giving nothing in return, they expect loyalty while they give none, they are only loyal to themselves, they demean you and tear you down emotionally taking all your self esteem. When they are through with you, you look and feel like the walking dead. Living with a narcissist feels like slow moving death. You will think what is it going to take one of has to leave or one of us is going to die. When you no longer care if you live or die the narcissist says to you why don’t you just kill yourself.

Then the narcissist says to you “I really am a good person” yeah you and the devil.